Today, I’m hopeful

I watched the inauguration with millions of others. Exchanged texts all day with family and friends from America, to the UK and all the way to Pakistan. All around the notes were celebratory and emotional. For me, I wasn’t quite feeling the relief that everyone around me seemed to be feeling.

It wasn’t until later at night, the baby put to bed and the cat fed, that I was able to reflect. I acknowledged the weight I’ve carried — we’ve carried — around these last four years. Four long years of incompetence, misogyny, white nationalism, with a side of narcissism. I don’t need to repeat, or wish to go over, the chaos caused by the “twice-impeached private citizen.” I don’t have the heart nor the strength to go over the violations, the damage, the heartbreak, the trauma of this disastrous presidency.

I reflected on the deep sadness I have felt in recognizing how little it took to mobilize the racists. That they’ve always been here, well before the writings of Baldwin and platform of Malcolm, and will continue to be here. They will continue to be here and fight for white supremacy and the space that they consider their birthright. They are armed and self-righteous, which is a lethal combination. I recognized that I am afraid of what’s to come because they’re not going to simply vanish after the open display of white privilege on January 6th. They know that they can simply walk into secured spaces; scratch their privates in a senior government employee’s personal office; bring weapons into a secure facility; and then simply walk out.

I thought about the little ones in cages, many still separated from their families and realized how broken my heart still is. And of the thousands of lives lost as we continue to shelter in place. And of the hundreds who braved rubber and real bullets, teargas and batons, punished simply for stating that black bodies matter. Of the impact of it all on black and brown lives.

I realized how deep the grief is, and that there is still a long road ahead with a lot of work to do. And in that moment I stopped to appreciate that there is finally space to do the work. And that some of it has already begun with day 1 of this presidency. And that even though an incompetent man made his way into the highest office, he lost to democracy and has left behind no legacy. He will not be known for anything, history will not remember him kindly or perhaps at all. And that even though this country has a way to forgive white women which may bring back his daughter, we have the likes of AOC, and Stacy Abrams, and Madame Vice President for her to reckon with.

So I went back an re-watched the celebration of the day. Lady Gaga and JLo left me in admiration; Amanda Gorman left me in awe. The swearing in of Kamala Harris felt like a personal victory. I watched and re-watched and admired Michele Obama’s stylin’, laughed at the Bernie outfit memes, and relished in the swearing in of Jon Ossoff and Reverend Raphael Warnock.

I watched and re-watched and took it all in. And with that today — at least for this moment — I am hopeful.