What she’s trying to say…
I was on the phone with my cousin recently and our conversation turned to mansplaining. She wanted to know if I’d experienced this in my own life. I described a personal instance when I’d been in a meeting, one that I was leading, and a male coworker jumped in to reiterate everything I had just said. “What Mariam is trying to say is…”.
I described to her how I spent the rest of that day going over and over what had happened in my mind, wondering if I hadn’t been articulate enough. Or that perhaps I hadn’t provided enough detail. But no matter how many times I went over it, I couldn’t justify that he had added anything new to what I’d already said.
Well that happens to me all the time, but I figured its because I’m junior. My cousin laughed it off.
This is the same cousin who works a demanding corporate job, manages a side hustle, and is raising two kids. All this while maintaining a home and being a full time partner to her husband.
As soon as I got off the phone I sent her a copy of Rebecca Solnit’s work, Men Explain Things to Me. Though written some years ago, this writing continues to be very relevant. Mansplainers are everywhere, and even the more woke amongst us are often guilty. Case in point, I’ve had men apologize “if” they were too mansplain-y while also adding that they “just wanted to make sure the point was made”. If you have to confirm my point then you’re mansplaining, you shouldn’t have to ask. And especially not with the added “if”.
While the conversation on mansplaining is certainly not new, I’ve realized though that it takes on an entirely new shape when you throw in being an immigrant. I’ve also come to recognize that no matter how many years you dedicate to assimilating and paying taxes, you’ll always be an “other”. People, especially men, feel an extra need to repeat everything you say when “you’re not actually from here”. It doesn’t matter if you moved here before you even hit puberty, like my cousin did. Or if you’ve been lived here for decades. When you’re pinned down as an immigrant, mansplaining extends to a different level. Sometimes even women do it.
My husband is an attorney who’s technically licensed to work in 3 countries. He’s written for major publications, actively maintained blogs, and has multiple degrees. Yet when he moved to the Bay, his female manager felt compelled not only to rewrite every contract he contributed to but constantly spoke over or for him in meetings. Once she apologized “if she was de-motivating”. Her non-apology stressed on the “if” and the behavior certainly didn’t change. It was more about validating her behavior than actually addressing it.
When you’re an “other” you often find yourself internalizing this type of mansplaining. A close friend of mine who’s worked from design agencies to corporations like Google, apologizes for her accent and grammar probably more times than she should. From job interviews to meetings she’s felt that familiar feeling of shame, where your face grows hot and your heart beats faster, because someone, who’s usually a man, talks over her. He’ll step in to “help” all the while feeling mighty proud that he’s checked off his good deed of the day by saving her. Sure, English isn’t her first language. And yes, she blasts Thai pop all the way to work. But if I have successfully understood everything she has had to say in 15 years, I’m wondering what these men are missing.
In many conversations about mansplaining, especially at work, I’ve heard the argument that men can’t know till you point it out. This is the same argument from white people who want micro-aggressions explained to them. Why should I have to be responsible for making you realize you’re out of line? For you to minoritize someone and then expect that same minority to explain why your behavior is out of line is ridiculous. Still though, I decided to give it a try. A few years ago I sat down with a male colleague to talk about a meeting we’d co-hosted. I explained how he’d not only gotten aggressive but had also talked over every point I’d made. It took all my self-control not to roll my eyes in this supposed heart-to-heart when he responded, with full sincerity, that he felt he was put in that position. That he’d had to explain what I’d said because he didn’t think people were understanding the content. He went on to hypothesize that perhaps it would help him to remember that English was not my first language.
What is most amusing about this particular interaction is that most of us didn’t “learn” English but grew up thinking in two languages because it was instituted in our schools. The colonizers made sure of that. I shouldn’t have to spell this out, restate my credentials, or explain my command over the English language. Neither should we have to make excuses for this behavior.
Internalizing mansplainers leads to cutting ourselves down; I’m too junior; I’m too foreign; I’m bi-lingual; my grammar isn’t great; my accent is too heavy. Why should the onus be on the person being mansplained?
It feels almost trite to point out that none of us “others” would have gotten this far if any of this were true. We don’t need to be saved, we just need space.
